DAMN! How good lookin is this famiglia?? This is my Italian family – actually we are not blood related, but all Italians consider eachother family. The D’Achilles have been in my life since the day I was born and I don’t know what my family would do without them. My Godfather, Adolfo, is off the boat from Roccacinquemiglia, Italy and he started the BEST pizza chain ever in Pittsburgh, Pizza Roma. This restaurant has employed most of our hometown (shout out to Wexford) and was such a great excuse to take full advantage of Co-Op in highschool. 10:30 a.m. dismissal everyday, hell yes. His wife, my Godmother, Aunt Carol is a total MILF and she is an absolute riot. P.S. she can just about kick your ass in any aerobics class, ever. Michael, Natalie and Steven are triplets and Christie is the youngest. Together we are the most dysfunctional family ever!!
Michael and I are the ‘gifted’ children, there is not one thing we can do together without getting in trouble. We have even been to jail together, by the way thanks for bailing us out Mom. Steven is my rock, I love him to death – together we eat ourselves into a coma, espress ourselves and try to figure out new ways to get rich. Hence it hasn’t happened yet or we wouldn’t be eating the Roma buffet on a daily basis. Natalie is my gorgeous best friend who is married to her gorgeous husband whom I call mom and dad. I love them so much, even after a crazy night out I usually find myself lodged in between the both of them for drunk sleepovers. By 8 a.m. Nat usually moves to the guest bedroom so her husband and I can sleep peacefully. Odd right? Christie is a pistol, you definitely want her on your good side or it’s just miserable. Real magada this one can be, but she’s a key element to the family. Love you T.
During our family dinners, we don’t really talk to much. It’s ALL singing, we sing Frank Sinatra, The Rat Pack and our FAVORITE CD, Mobb Hits. Go figure. Not one of us can truly sing a tune and Uncle Adolf has an Italian accent that sounds just so peaceful in your ear. Ha! It doesn’t help that we usually have enough vino to fill a Tuscan vineyard. Our mouths are permanently purple.
Funny story time, anyone that hits up midnight mass on Christmas Eve probably knows that it’s safe to say that 80% of the people are pretty drunk. Shit, sometimes we get embarrassed to go up for communion. Well about 4-years ago we all showed up to midnight mass; late, drunk and super loud. Nothing is ever smooth sailing with us it is ALWAYS a commodity. We all finally move people over- step on people’s toes and laugh hysterically as we all scoot our way into the FIRST freakin row of church. Nonetheless, every woman in the family is wearing the huge, overbearing fur coats and every single one of our mouths is so purple it’s almost not even funny.
One thing we all have to ask ourselves is ‘where is Michael?’ Michael goes m.i.a a lot, he either stopped to get a can of dip, went to the bar, fell asleep in his car or is in jail. Well, Michael comes strolling in twenty-minutes later with a neighborhood friend, Justin. Just when the church is silent, Michael and Justin stood at the end of the aisle, both laughing so loud and just as everyone turns to see who is obnoxiously laughing and all we can hear is Michael say, “fuck this, I’m outta here let’s roll.” Now this had echoed all the way to the front row. Reallllll appropriate Michael, that bet you just parlayed in is probably going to go to mush after Jesus get’s done with you. This is the kid that stood up after 15-minutes of attempting to take his SATs and stated to his teacher, ‘I am not taking this stupid, fucking test, I’M OUT. I ain’t doin this shit.’ I actually think it’s illegal to do that? Maybe?
OK – back to the story. So after Aunt Carol is mortified her son just made the biggest scene at midnight mass, Steven, Natalie, Christie, my sister and I are hysterically, uncontrollably laughing to the point that we can’t stop. I look over to Uncle Adolf and his purple mouth while he is BELCHING ‘Silent Night’ not in English, but in Italian, in some guy’s ear. Beautiful, if he wasn’t deaf, he certainly is now. No one can understand him and he is so loud to the point where people are staring at him like he is from outter space. I look over to my sister who is passing out free wet-willys to the nearest neighbor sitting next to her (people were PISSED) and to top it off, as I walked to the bathroom, I tripped and fell and caused yet another scene at midnight mass. (Total run-on sentence, don’t care.) This wasn’t just a trip- you’re cool - just walk it out kinda fall. I am talking about almost takin down the old lady with me, screamed an ‘oh shit’ and most certainly tried to laugh my way out of embarrassment. Did not work.
I am pretty sure after that last sha-bang we all got up and promptly left church. It was about that time. No need for us to stay and take the stares and whispers of the now angry church go-ers. We never went to that church again.
The D’s and the G’s, my heart.